I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
