Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
