you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
