soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
