We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
PANTIES FOUND
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
