margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
