I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
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