carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
