bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
