Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
