I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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