it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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