Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
