the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
