Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
