I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
