Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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