The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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