And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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