I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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