I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Randomize
