She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
