You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
