the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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