Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
