pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
