So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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