A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I wish I only lived at night.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I could fuck to npr.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
