Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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