even my farts smell like vagina
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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