She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
