How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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