I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I can text with my tongue
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Someone signed my nipple.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
