my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
