Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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