I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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