i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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