i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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