Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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