Sorry, I don't speak sober.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
