Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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