I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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