plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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