I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
