I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
