filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
