i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
