I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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