My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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