goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
