I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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