I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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